I am happy!

How does it feel when your life changes for the better? I ask myself that on the bus on my way home. I am wiping the sweat off my brow and breathe deeply. I look out the window and notice, as if for the first time, the red and white lights of the bars and 7-Elevens on the bus route. I look at the bright blackess of the man next to me and at the dirty newspaper on the floor. I take it all in, and it is all beautiful to me. I love it. It is my new home.

I am moving from the suburbs of Boston into Central Square. This is something I didn’t think I was going to do this year, and now that I am actually doing it, that it is actually happening, it seems like the best decision I have ever made. I deserve to be happy all the time, not only when I remember to decide to. I want to buy a fish and name him Bobby, and a plant and name her Ana. I want to cook chocolate souffle and beouf bourguignon a la Julia Child. I want to sit and watch stupid tv shows at midnight in my blue fleece robe and feel at home on the livingroom couch. And if I fall asleep there, I want to feel warm and cozy.

I want to love every second of every day, the smell of the butterscotch candle on the night table and the morning ritual of choosing my earrings. I want to worry about my heart bursting with happiness, and about the fact that I can’t see all my friends in the same week. Because I have too many.

I want to be able to keep my promisses to myself. I want to start running this spring, and write at least three times a week in the blog, and keep in touch better with all my friends, and dream more. And make my dreams come true.

It all starts with a moment. The moment when you realize every opportunity is right in front of you. So reach out and grab it. You’ll be surprised what it’s willing to offer you in return for its freedom.

Dragging the ol’ ball and chain

Those who think marriage is a ball-and-chain have never experienced living with a less than ideal landlord. I find myself dragged down by this, psychologically most of all, but also physically (getting headaches after fights, etc), and I feel that this effect is felt less intensely by my friends as well.

How will I handle 7 more months?

Blogging

If I had a blackberry, the only good outcome of that would be MUCH MORE blogging. The best ideas I have come to me on the T, while I read, or at conferences. Then I get home and I am, more often than not, tired and not willing to turn on my computer.

How is one supposed to keep up with the blogging in these conditions?

HM!

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish people could actually act like actors do in movies. Sometimes I wish magic was real. Sometimes I wish that I lived in Victorian England…. of course, as a member of the high aristocracy. And a man.

And then I have to wake up and go to work.

This doesn’t make sense to you? Believe me, it barely makes sense to me…

Also, I hate to wait for my text messages to be returned. Sometimes I wonder how people lived before this technology. Other times, more often than not, I wish we still did live without it.

New theme

New theme developing in my life:

Most nights, I hurry home, scramble to cook something quick, read a couple of lines of a book or another, and try to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Sometimes, I want to be a rebel. So I stay up late, facebook stalking etc. Mostly etc. At some point during my rebeliousness, I start feeling really sleepy, and when I can no longer handle it, I gloriously gaze at the clock. It must be at least 1am, by the way I am feeling (very very tired… and sometimes olddd)… but surely it must be even later than that. I definitely made it past the dreaded midnight!

It is 11:29pm.

Great.

What is it about music?

What is it about music that makes me so happy? Music and baking… I think, I haven’t actually baked that much. I wonder what’s up with my perpetual dream of baking, of hanging out in a kitchen filled with the smell of baking, of eating baked goods made by me etc

Tomorrow I’ll find out what’s all that about. I’m going up to NH with one very very good friend whose presence always makes me very happy. It’s sad that her bf’s father has to live alone in the beautiful home he has, now that his wife is dead.

I am reading this book, “Authentic Happiness,” I am sure I mentioned it a while ago – I read a couple of other books in the mean time, and now that this one is overdue, I guess it’s its turn finally. And it says there that health doesn’t significantly affect people’s happiness. I don’t know how true that is, but I will have to disagree.

Ok, it doesn’t say that per se. It says that objective health doesn’t have a signifficant effect, but that subjective health, meaning how healthy we perceive ourselves to be, affects our happiness. Seriously though, I think health is one of the most important things to have. If you’re healthy, you can do anything.

I was also talking to a friend of my boss’ today, who was at the office on business, and he started asking me about how I came here, where I went to school, how come I left my family etc. He seemed really impressed with my story (to the point of offering to marry me (jokingly)  hahaha – seriously, I should stop looking for a job and just look for a husband instead looks like) and it made me think. I’m not that impressed with myself, and even less so lately…. but maybe I should start seeing myself and my achievements more positively. After all, if I don’t, why would others? So from now on I gotta step up the pride!

Wow this was all over the place! Talk about stream of consciousness.

Wait, we weren’t talking about that?

Haiti – a tragedy that makes us think

I don’t have the strength to write a long and meaningful post about Haiti and what has been going on there. Maybe for self preservation, maybe out of comfort, I have not been thinking about it too much. It is easier that way. It is easier, when you don’t think about it, to ward off the fear, the guilt, the insecurity and the desire to help more actively than by donating a couple of bucks, and at the same time not doing anything real about it. I don’t see myself running to a plane and taking off to go and help on the ground. I probably couldn’t do much, and there are so many more qualified people who are already there… instead, I sit here thanking whomever I am thanking that I am safe in a place where I don’t have to be afraid of such an immense tragedy. Not yet anyway.

But I also feel guilty – those people did not deserve to have that happen to them. Heck, no one deserves that… it is so horrifying that I can’t even begin to put it into words. What makes me better than those people, what entitles me to safety when their whole world is falling apart?

Now you see why I don’t spend too much time thinking about this?

There are so many foundations out there, that I won’t put a link to one of them on this blog. But think about donating… if you were in that situation, you’d want someone to do the same for you. And I will say what I told people on the phone for two years when I was working for the College Fund: every little bit helps.

Good night, sleep well, and be thankful that you are sheltered enough to have a bed to sleep in, enough food to eat, and a computer to read this blog. You are more fortunate than 90% of this world’s population.

Busy

You know you’re busy when you don’t have time to read a personal email longer than two lines, when you don’t have time to read or write personal texts, and when you do not have time or are too tired to go to the bathroom. I don’t mean at work, I mean in life… I have gotten to a point this week when I simply cannot attend to long emails (personal ones, not work ones), I don’t seem to find a time to write a text unless it’s necessary, and all I want to do in ALL my spare time (which, mind you, is not that much any more) is sleep.

As a friend from Dartmouth used to say in jest, “sleep is for the weak.” I guess that makes me steel-strong!

The bad part about all this is that I am supposed to be applying to jobs, and I can’t find the time to correct my own cover letter… and the way I wrote it was that I sat down at midnight in an insomny struck moment and wrote it… What am I doing online writing my blog then, you ask? Well, I’m off to sleep. I was on my work email, solving problems. So here’s your answer!

Yay weekend!

Making friends

Good evening my dear friends!!

My, it’s been a long time. I missed writing! So tonight, even though I am, as usual lately, it seems, wiped out, I will write the post I promised a while ago.

Why am I wiped out, you ask? Well, I finally started finding my stride at work, so tonight I stayed until almost 8. Now, I know this may not seem weird to those of you out there who are ibankers and consultants, but this kind of hours is not usual for a mere research assistant… But I love it! I find that I like planning events better than research hopefully this is not for ever, or I’ll have to reevaluate my future.

Anyway, I’ve been reading this book called “Authentic Happiness,” which talks about how some people are just naturally happier than others, and that this is highly heritable, but that you can also take conscious steps to increase your happiness. And it also says that happier people are, on average, more social, and their social relationships are rated as very good both by themselves and by their friends.

Which brings me to the point of my post. I want to tell a story which shows what my friends think about my capacity to make friends (this trust of theirs may be slightly misguided, I’ll admit).

Two of my best friends are dating each other. They have been going out for about 4 years, and currently live outside of the US. A while ago, while I was going through some hard times, they motivated me to get out of my shell and make an effort to meet new people. I took their challenge, went out of my way to attend every single social event that I found out about, and met some really awesome people that way. Naturally, when my two friends, J and W, still didn’t have many friends in this new country after 6 months of living there, I thought I’d reciprocate the favor. I challenged them to go out of their way, step out of their comfort zone, and meet new people. She (J) got right at work, and I was hopeful that he (W) will eventually meet at least one new person. A couple of days ago, J told me the following story:

Me: where’s W?

J:  He’s in class.

Me: Has he made any headway with meeting people?

J: hmm…..not as far as I know, even though he had a perfect opportunity!!

Me: ?

J: He had class moved to another room, and he and a guy sat in the original room for like 10 minutes. Then they both realized it was somewhere else and searched for a computer for like 15 minutes, and looked up where it was for like 10 more minutes.

And I don’t think he even knows the guy’s name.

Me: hahahahahahahahaha

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

J: I mean, we’re talking like 30 minutes of cooperative thinking.

Me: Wow, that really was a great opportunity…

J: I know! You would have made a relative!

You gotta love her! I sure do!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? But it sure is good to travel without your laptop, to feel disconnected from your daily life while you live out the holidays!

I was thinking the other day that I would really like to be making more money… I would love to have a salary like the ones that some consultants or bankers have (people my age, don’t think I mean big shot CEOs), to be able to afford the things they afford. Instead, I’ll make even less than I was making last year, because I’ll begin paying for my health insurance. Gah, health, who needs it?

But then I was wondering if I would really like to have the life that these friends of mine have. Yes, they do hang out with people their age, and have dinner together at work, and forge a connection etc. BUT the idea is that I like leaving work before 8pm, I like feeling that the weekends are mine, and that I have a life. And I have to wonder if the stress and the extra time is worth the extra money. For me right now the answer is more NO than YES.

I guess my only option is to marry rich.