To live life without worrying

To run free like horses on a pasture

With my mane waving in the wind.

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My mom once told me to be brave

And just move forward

Without looking back.

There is nothing behind, waiting for you.

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I say:  mom, moving at my own pace is too fast.

I need to slow down and remember

That even horses need a water break

Or else their run is broken.

It’s the feeling of water rushing through my hair

The feeling of freedom as I rush downstream

The feeling of speed that I think I can control.

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But I can’t.

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The river takes me

And ravishes me

And turns me into someone else.

Someone impulsive

And reckless

And willing to do whatever it takes to keep the river happy.

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Girl, if you like waterfalls all that much,

Take a walk on the shore

And look at them from afar.

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Swimming into waterfalls

Will only leave you

Broken.

When my entire world is turning upside down.

You don’t owe me anything

But give me anyway.

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Let’s not pretend we know each other

Now,  when I need someone who understands…

Just be there for me

Like strangers sometimes are.

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When I stop shaking and let you go

You can run away relieved

You may never look back

And I will understand:

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You hate to be tied down.

We don’t know each other, and that’s fine

Just give me your hand

I won’t keep it for ever.

Does taking the first step make me a fool?

Tell me, what are the rules in a world dominated by a sex

That calls itself “the opposite?”

>

What do I have to say to make myself heard?

What do I have to give to get what I deserve?

What do I have to do to reach a place

From which I can claim my place in your world?

>

Women can vote

Women can work

Women can drive

Women can earn more money than men

And yet….

Why can’t we be equal?

Before anyone who knows me thinks I have gone completely insane, let me explain myself. I am usually a very social person. However, I have gotten to the conclusion lately that many people think I am a bit over the top. Ok, that may make me eccentric, quirky (as I have already been called), strange, weird etc etc. Usually I deal very well with all this, but sometimes it makes me sad. I know it’s nice to be different, but sometimes I wish I was like everyone else… that I found it easy to integrate into all kinds of groups and that I understood people around me better. But MOSTLY, that I WAS better understood.

Where is all this coming from? I think I may have freaked someone out tonight with my eagerness. The point is, when I am excited about something, I am VERY excited, and I talk about it to everyone, and want everyone to join. Well, this is a little too much for your average Jane and Joe, and it makes me sad that my enthusiasm turns people off. However, it is in my hands to change that, since I am aware of that fact. I will work on changing it.

In the mean time, I get home and am overcome by a wave of sadness, just so. And I write on the blog for the first time in forever.

You know what I would like? I would like a friend who trusted me and wasn’t afraid to always be herself or himself around me. A friend with whom I could also be myself without being worried that he/she may misunderstand me or take anything I say the wrong way. A friend who I am not worried about offending and in front of whom I have to watch my words all the time. A friend who will not make me feel bad for having said something by either putting himself or herself down seriously or jokingly as a response to something I said. I want a friend who can be the cradle of my soul. A person with whom I can feel comfortable and honest ALL THE TIME.

And I come and ask: is that even possible? Is it possible to have such a person around? I like to believe that I am always honest with the people around me, but I’m sure I had my moments when I might have thought or said mean things about my friends and then regretted them, or  didn’t mean them. We don’t REALLY want to be honest 100% with people other than our family, do we? Really? I am afraid they may not be able to take it…. Extreme honesty is not really possible, and where tried it can prove very dangerous.

How did I get here? Tangents, my friends. Tangents.

Anyway, I got out of the funk I was in. Well, at least mostly. Hopefully I’ll find a petshop and go pet some puppies (I’ve never done that before). Also, I’ll just take some days for myself probably. That always seems to work.

In the mean time, good night! I’ll try to drop by this place more often, although Ina, I’m pretty sure it’s just you and me here

My apartment.

I go out, meet people, shake hands, offer smiles, give hugs

For free.

`

Then we all go home:

The one I liked didn’t like me back,

The one I didn’t like asked me for my number,

The one who asked me for my email never wrote it down,

And I am lunching tomorrow with one whose name I don’t remember.

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I love social gatherings

And they love me back

In that empty. heartless way.

`

I go home and lie down alone

Watch TV alone

Sleep alone.

`

All those friends I made one hour ago

Where are they?

Yes, I know I’ve been really bad lately. The past month has been a whirlwind of work and people. My planner has never been this full: every night of the week and every weekend have been teeming with activity. This is not to say that I am complaining, I rather like being busy and social. However, I am left somewhat tired and desiring of some alone time.

The best thing that I could have done today (and that I ended up doing) was de-cluttering my room. I will go into detail at some future time (since it’s almost 1am and I do have to go to work tomorrow), but let’s just say I am HAPPY with what my room looks like, and it does make me feel more energized, as Karen Kingston (the author of the book Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui) promised. I was so energized that after I finished my room, turned off the light and went to bed, I turned the light back on for a second round of de-cluttering. It is now very nice and clean, and I have lots of clothes to donate/sell. I am happy

Thank you, Ina, for the book suggestion! It was really well received.

Love to all, and good night!

There is a storm waiting to start

And I don’t have an umbrella.

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You toy with my emotions:

Yank my chain

Pull my leg

And then let go when I think you have me.

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You lied to me so many times I can’t even keep count,

And I keep believing you

Because you pay me to.

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I count the days until my sustenance comes from elsewhere

And I can untie my chain and walk away…

Until then, you have me to toy with,

Like I have the little rubber soldier on my desk.

I’ll keep reading and report my findings. In the mean time, let me leave you with a quote from the book. The author talks about the sins he commits on a daily basis:

“Coveting. I did a signing at a book fair a few days ago, and at the next table was Anthony Bourdain, the rakish celebrity chef/author. My table got such visitors as: my mother, my father, my wife, my son. Meanwhile the line in front of Bourdain’s table resembled opening night of The Phantom Menace, though without as many Darth Maul costumes.”

Now you may think that is just normal discourse, something any one of your friends could spontaneously spew up. Well, maybe my friends could do that too, but I couldn’t so I quote him in envy.

I admit, I am also a control freak. I like to plan things, and I like things to turn out the way I planned them. I sometimes like spontaneity, but mostly I like to know what I can expect. Even if that means knowing that for a certain period of time I should expect spontaneity

So I am a control freak, and I work with one. That would be perfectly fine, if the case wasn’t that I need to swallow my anxiety for the next two months, while I try to reconcile a really nice future boss who has helped me very much so far (although obviously, I may change my mind in two years, right now I think we’ll get along great!) with a current boss who thinks he is doing everyone a favor by breathing.

Life is hard!!!